Today I’m coming at ya’ll with a departure from discussing boudoir photography, an exposé on how to spot a narcissist. Full disclaimer: I’m not a licensed therapist so my unofficial diagnoses of these men is just that; unofficial. Nor am I an expert on dating or relationships or I wouldn’t be single. What I am is someone who’s done years of research on the topic after dating 4 narcissists. I’m also a boudoir photographer which means that I often act as an unofficial therapist; my clients share their why behind doing a shoot & often it’s because they want to regain confidence after a relationship with a narcissist. I’ve learned a lot listening to hundreds of stories.
I also want to make it very clear that I’m NOT a fan of overusing the term & that is not what this is. After 10 years of dating, in 2017 I had a feeling that one day I’d be writing a book about my dating experiences & started documenting them. Since then, I’ve been on over 100 dates & of those, I’ve only labeled 4 men narcissists, though there were probably more since I didn’t know what narcissism was prior to 2018.
Additionally, I recognize that not all players are narcissists. Here’s a quick definition I found from Angie Atkinson, a trauma counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery: A player doesn’t make any pretense of wanting a relationship; a narcissist however, will pretend they want a girlfriend, fiancé, marriage, but what they’re really after is control.
Also, I recognize that not all narcissists are male, many women are too; however, I’m writing this from the perspective of my experiences & I date men.
Finally, while each individual sign may not in & of itself be a sign you’re dating a narcissist, collectively as a whole, they are. I’ve been given the rare gift of ALWAYS meeting the other woman – I’ve met her with all FOUR of the narcissists I dated – and in comparing notes, discovered they all did the same things with me as they did with them. Sadly, most of the other women also experienced physical abuse; fortunately, I got out before it escalated to that level. If I can help prevent even just one person from entering a relationship filled with terror like that – awesome.
1) If he says he’s been busy with work & that’s why he hasn’t texted for a couple days, don’t buy it. I work 60-80 hour weeks & still have time to text. I also dated a single Dad with 3 kids + a management position that required his attention nearly 24/7, yet he had time to not only text occasionally, but also called every couple days. Narcissists say they’re busy probably because they don’t want to admit they forgot to text because they’re juggling multiple women.
2) If he says he has to work early/too tired to go out multiple weekends in a row & only asks you out during the week, gently confront or just walk away. In the beginning when you’re Girl #1, you’ll get weekends. However, once Girl #2 has entered the picture, you’ll suddenly get pushed to weekdays.
3) If he’s hot (super affectionate in words/actions, texts a ton, brings up marriage) then suddenly cold (barely communicates & only sends good morning/night breadcrumbs, no conversation starters or continuers), just walk away. The hot is love bombing, the cold is a narcissist who has lost interest in his current supply & is moving on to the next, but stringing you along as a backup plan:
4) If he’s fast physically, i.e., suggests you go over to his place or vice versa early and/or is following a lot of Only Fans girls, walk away. Both of these are signs he’s not looking for anything serious even if he says he is and/or his profile says he’s looking for a relationship/marriage. Most of the ones I was dating were also sex addicts who followed a ton of Only Fans girls & were super pushy about sex. Fortunately, none were rapists, but they were very persistent, constantly trying to get me to change my mind. A healthy man will respect your decision & drop the topic altogether.
5) If his emotions seem abnormal, i.e., his reactions don’t seem appropriate for the situation, walk away. This particular sign varies from narcissist to narcissist:
I can’t remember which one, but one of these narcissists also used to pull up YouTube videos and say “Watch this sad video, it makes me cry every time” as if to prove he had emotions, but I’d never actually see any tears fall so that’s something else to look out for, someone that goes out of his way to try to prove he has normal emotions.
6) If he has weird phone habits just walk away. These signs include:
7) If he asks another woman for her contact info right in front of you & it feels off, gently confront. No matter how much they pretend it was an innocent gesture, if any of the other signs are there, it is NOT an innocent gesture & you should walk away. Narcissists are ALWAYS on the hunt for their next supply:
8) If he’s weird about social media (won’t accept your friend request, won’t commit to exclusivity yet doesn’t want you seeing anyone else, commits but then won’t make your relationship status public and/or post any photos of the two of you on social media), walk away.
Going forward, if his social media behavior isn’t consistent with his real life behavior, I’m out. However, I’m also keeping in mind that making it FB official isn’t proof it’s real as I was the other woman in all the above scenarios, so I will continue to watch for the other signs.
9) If he won’t spend money on you OR overspends, walk away. Be wary of broke narcissists who try to buy your love by being overly nice (all the ones I dated were broke; one said that the worst thing about dating so many women at once was how much money it cost him), and rich narcissists who attempt buy your love with gifts (one of my friends dated a guy who lavished her with expensive, Bachelor-TV-show-level dates & gifts, but had 2 other women in the background, one of which he got engaged to just 1 month after things ended with her & then eventually married). Being broke or rich isn’t in & of itself a sign of narcissism, but watch how he operates with his money around you & if the other signs are present too, walk away.
10) If he’s super nice and/or self-effacing, don’t immediately believe he’s a true Nice Guy. Covert narcissists are more cunning than overt ones. They know that women are smart these days & don’t always fall for the asshole, so they pretend to be Nice Guys:
The signs may vary, but I hope that what you can get from my experiences is that first & foremost you should TRUST YOUR GUT. With ALL four of these “men,” I learned that what I always felt was anxious attachment style, is actually my intuition kicking in telling me something is off…so the ultimate lesson is this: IF HE DOESN’T BRING YOU PEACE, GENTLY CONFRONT OR JUST WALK AWAY.
If you DO decide you want to confront, do so in a gentle, calm, sweet, but firm tone of voice & then watch the response; it will tell you ALOT.
A healthy man will:
A narcissist will:
I experienced both gaslighting & projecting from all 4 narcissists. If there’s ever a next time (hopefully not), I won’t give him a second chance, I’ll just walk away. Narcissists can improve, but only if they want to & are humble enough to get therapy which is not the case for 99.9% of them.
If there’s a pattern of narcissists in your life, don’t let yourself succumb to victim, woe-is-me mentality; get help. After a period of wallowing, one day I realized that the common denominator in all of these relationships was ME. In order to stop attracting narcissists, I have to get healthy, so I’ve been in therapy & inner healing programs off & on for a few years now. I also hired a dating coach. I’ve taken a hard, difficult look inward at what attracts these types of men and this is what I’ve realized:
A final tip before I close: Narcissists almost always come back with some kind of weepy apology when their other options eventually dry up. They circle back around to see if you will fall for a new offer, one usually delivered on a platter of fake tears & remorse, but don’t fall for it, he just wants someone to control. Narcissist #2 tried to come back so many times under the guise of “you’re such a good person, we should be friends” that I eventually had to tell him to stop contacting me or I’d contact the police. If you’ve seen all 10 signs or enough that make you decide to walk away, don’t give him a chance to come back, block him everywhere now.
Sure, maybe he’s changed (as he’ll surely tell you in his “remorseful” apology), but let someone else be the Experiment Girl. YOU are a priceless jewel who deserves REAL love & there are still good men out there willing to give it.
Stay safe out there friends!! <3
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