10 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

Introduction

Today I’m coming at ya’ll with a departure from discussing boudoir photography, an exposé on how to spot a narcissist. Full disclaimer: I’m not a licensed therapist so my unofficial diagnoses of these men is just that; unofficial. Nor am I an expert on dating or relationships or I wouldn’t be single. What I am is someone who’s done years of research on the topic after dating 4 narcissists. I’m also a boudoir photographer which means that I often act as an unofficial therapist; my clients share their why behind doing a shoot & often it’s because they want to regain confidence after a relationship with a narcissist. I’ve learned a lot listening to hundreds of stories.

I also want to make it very clear that I’m NOT a fan of overusing the term & that is not what this is. After 10 years of dating, in 2017 I had a feeling that one day I’d be writing a book about my dating experiences & started documenting them. Since then, I’ve been on over 100 dates & of those, I’ve only labeled 4 men narcissists, though there were probably more since I didn’t know what narcissism was prior to 2018.

Additionally, I recognize that not all players are narcissists. Here’s a quick definition I found from Angie Atkinson, a trauma counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery: A player doesn’t make any pretense of wanting a relationship; a narcissist however, will pretend they want a girlfriend, fiancé, marriage, but what they’re really after is control.

Also, I recognize that not all narcissists are male, many women are too; however, I’m writing this from the perspective of my experiences & I date men.

Finally, while each individual sign may not in & of itself be a sign you’re dating a narcissist, collectively as a whole, they are. I’ve been given the rare gift of ALWAYS meeting the other woman – I’ve met her with all FOUR of the narcissists I dated – and in comparing notes, discovered they all did the same things with me as they did with them. Sadly, most of the other women also experienced physical abuse; fortunately, I got out before it escalated to that level. If I can help prevent even just one person from entering a relationship filled with terror like that – awesome.

10 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

1) If he says he’s been busy with work & that’s why he hasn’t texted for a couple days, don’t buy it. I work 60-80 hour weeks & still have time to text. I also dated a single Dad with 3 kids + a management position that required his attention nearly 24/7, yet he had time to not only text occasionally, but also called every couple days. Narcissists say they’re busy probably because they don’t want to admit they forgot to text because they’re juggling multiple women.

2) If he says he has to work early/too tired to go out multiple weekends in a row & only asks you out during the week, gently confront or just walk away. In the beginning when you’re Girl #1, you’ll get weekends. However, once Girl #2 has entered the picture, you’ll suddenly get pushed to weekdays.

3) If he’s hot (super affectionate in words/actions, texts a ton, brings up marriage) then suddenly cold (barely communicates & only sends good morning/night breadcrumbs, no conversation starters or continuers), just walk away. The hot is love bombing, the cold is a narcissist who has lost interest in his current supply & is moving on to the next, but stringing you along as a backup plan:

• Narcissist #1 (2018) – Never love bombed at all; he negged (put me down) instead. However, he was definitely hot & cold; all over me in person, barely text when we were together. I met the girl who dated him after me in 2022 & she called him a narcissist as well citing even more examples as her relationship with him lasted longer.
• Narcissist #2 (2021) – He text incessantly, asked me to be his girlfriend, told me “I love you, you’re so beautiful, you’re so pretty, you’re so wonderful” over & over & over & over again repeatedly in a row to the point I wondered if he was crazy (the answer is yes), & brought up the idea of us getting married (probably in an attempt to get sex which he never did). Overnight he stopped texting & when I reached out, he told me he needed space. I found out about his other girlfriend just 2 days later.
• Narcissist #3 (2023) – He didn’t want to text alot; he’d send breadcrumb “good morning” texts, no conversation starters or continuers, but in the beginning he threw me off his scent by calling every couple days; eventually, this dropped off. He also didn’t immediately love bomb which also threw me off. Month 3, he started saying “Where have you been all my life, I wish I had met you 20 years ago, let’s make babies,” then the very next day, he stopped texting. I realized it was love bombing when I found out about his other woman about a week later & learned that he was saying the same stuff to her.
• Narcissist #4 (2023) – Didn’t send anything but breadcrumbs between Date 1 & 2, but then started love bombing with “sweetheart,” “babe,” & “hun” on Date 2; I knew right away he was a narcissist thanks to having made note of this hot & cold behavior with the past ones. I found out about his other women 2 weeks later.

4) If he’s fast physically, i.e., suggests you go over to his place or vice versa early and/or is following a lot of Only Fans girls, walk away. Both of these are signs he’s not looking for anything serious even if he says he is and/or his profile says he’s looking for a relationship/marriage. Most of the ones I was dating were also sex addicts who followed a ton of Only Fans girls & were super pushy about sex. Fortunately, none were rapists, but they were very persistent, constantly trying to get me to change my mind. A healthy man will respect your decision & drop the topic altogether.

5) If his emotions seem abnormal, i.e., his reactions don’t seem appropriate for the situation, walk away. This particular sign varies from narcissist to narcissist:

• Narcissist #1 (2018) – Was cold; when I was sharing about a trauma I’d experienced, he scoffed and said I must’ve asked for it. Another day when he did something that caused me to cry, he smirked.
• Narcissist #2 (2021) – Had a temper tantrum when he lost his sunglasses & also when I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him. His temper tantrum was extremely bizarre, like something a toddler would do…he was hitting himself & other objects as well as whining & pouting while I tried to console him.
• Narcissist #3 (2023) – Was abnormally calm at all times; when I revealed some trauma I’d experienced, he essentially said that trauma doesn’t exist & that he doesn’t feel it and sure enough, when he shared about various traumatic experience he’d had, there was 0 emotion.
• Narcissist #4 (2023) – Arrived at my apartment with extremely moody energy when I didn’t go downstairs to greet him (he was early & I was still getting ready while he was coming up the elevator). It took over 15 mins to calm him down & I felt motherly doing it as he was acting like a child. I immediately recognized his pouting as abnormal & have since learned from other women that dated him that that was just the tip of the iceberg, eventually he becomes physically abusive; he’s threatened one of their lives.

I can’t remember which one, but one of these narcissists also used to pull up YouTube videos and say “Watch this sad video, it makes me cry every time” as if to prove he had emotions, but I’d never actually see any tears fall so that’s something else to look out for, someone that goes out of his way to try to prove he has normal emotions.

6) If he has weird phone habits just walk away. These signs include:

• Going to the bathroom for long periods of time with his phone – he’s texting other women. I know this because when I met the others we exchanged text timelines.
• His phone is always facedown even when it’s weird to do so – Narcissist #3 wouldn’t even put his phone face up in the car. Instead, it sat on his thigh facedown while he drove, presumably to hide incoming texts from his other woman.
• He has more than one phone but doesn’t work a job that requires multiple phones – if there’s no business reason, he’s doing it to keep all his women from finding out about each other.
• He has multiple phone numbers – this is presumably to talk to his multiple women; Narcissist #3 contacted me from a different WhatsApp number than he texted his other woman, though why we were on WhatsApp in the first place since he’s local, I have no idea. Maybe because there’s a 4th & 5th woman.
• His phone is nearly always on Do Not Disturb – I saw this with Narcissist #3. The one time he forgot to turn it on, I saw a text full of heart emojis pop up on his phone while he was showing me some photos & found out later that she was the other woman.

7) If he asks another woman for her contact info right in front of you & it feels off, gently confront. No matter how much they pretend it was an innocent gesture, if any of the other signs are there, it is NOT an innocent gesture & you should walk away. Narcissists are ALWAYS on the hunt for their next supply:

• Narcissist #1 (2018) asked my neighbor for her Snapchat right in front of me. When I confronted him, he tried to throw me off by saying he wasn’t attracted to her cuz she’s a tomboy, he just wanted to talk to her about soccer. I found out from her later that my gut was right.
• Narcissist #3 (2023) asked another woman for her number right in front of me. When I confronted him, he tried to throw me off by saying she was too tall for him & that he got her number because she’s a realtor & he’s looking to buy a house. I never asked her for confirmation, but I’m sure my gut was right as he’d introduced me to a male realtor weeks before.
• Narcissist #4 (2023) flirted with one of my friends right in front of me. When I confronted him, he tried to throw me off by slut shaming her. However, later that night she told me he’d sent her a friend request on FB.

8) If he’s weird about social media (won’t accept your friend request, won’t commit to exclusivity yet doesn’t want you seeing anyone else, commits but then won’t make your relationship status public and/or post any photos of the two of you on social media), walk away.

• Narcissist #1 (2018) did add me on Insta & FB, but wouldn’t allow me to post any photos stating that it was too early even after 3 months of dating.
• Narcissist #2 (2021) refused to add me on FB. However, he did ask me to be his girlfriend & even brought up the idea of getting married. I found out later that his other girlfriend was on his FB & that’s why he didn’t want to add me.
• Narcissist #3 (2023) took forever to add me to his personal Insta account but finally did & briefly committed to exclusivity before changing his mind the very next day, saying it had been a drunk decision even though he’d only had 2 drinks. A few weeks later, he started discussing making babies & getting married, I pointed out we weren’t even BF/GF & he still wouldn’t commit. I have since found out that he was having the same conversations with the other woman.
• Narcissist #4 (2023) never added me even though I sent him a follow request, but then tried to add my friend.

Going forward, if his social media behavior isn’t consistent with his real life behavior, I’m out. However, I’m also keeping in mind that making it FB official isn’t proof it’s real as I was the other woman in all the above scenarios, so I will continue to watch for the other signs.

9) If he won’t spend money on you OR overspends, walk away. Be wary of broke narcissists who try to buy your love by being overly nice (all the ones I dated were broke; one said that the worst thing about dating so many women at once was how much money it cost him), and rich narcissists who attempt buy your love with gifts (one of my friends dated a guy who lavished her with expensive, Bachelor-TV-show-level dates & gifts, but had 2 other women in the background, one of which he got engaged to just 1 month after things ended with her & then eventually married). Being broke or rich isn’t in & of itself a sign of narcissism, but watch how he operates with his money around you & if the other signs are present too, walk away.

10) If he’s super nice and/or self-effacing, don’t immediately believe he’s a true Nice Guy. Covert narcissists are more cunning than overt ones. They know that women are smart these days & don’t always fall for the asshole, so they pretend to be Nice Guys:

• Narcissist #1 (2018) pretended to be nice by cooking and/or helping with dishes when he was over; however, he was an overt narcissist as he was also cocky & made fun of me a lot.
• Narcissist #2 (2021) took the covert narcissist route by never being mean even once. He ran to rescue someone that looked like they were drowning, drove an hour of his way to pick me up for a date, constantly said he wasn’t good enough for me, & even cried about various things. However, the “sensitive nice guy” act was just that – an act. Texts bragging about all his conquests to a guy friend were later found by the other woman.
• Narcissist #3 (2023) pretended to be super nice, helpful with my business, & proud of my accomplishments, but there was at least one other woman. He also did eventually put me down over the smallest things, saying he liked everything about me but my age (only 2 years older than him) & body flaws (his body wasn’t perfect either).
• Narcissist #4 (2023) said I was too good-looking for him. As an empath (narcissists’ favorite prey), I fell for this at first thinking he was genuinely insecure, but have since recognized that it was a ploy as I found out from one of his other women that he was constantly putting himself down around her too.

Trust Your Gut

The signs may vary, but I hope that what you can get from my experiences is that first & foremost you should TRUST YOUR GUT. With ALL four of these “men,” I learned that what I always felt was anxious attachment style, is actually my intuition kicking in telling me something is off…so the ultimate lesson is this: IF HE DOESN’T BRING YOU PEACE, GENTLY CONFRONT OR JUST WALK AWAY.

If You Do Decide to Confront, Follow These Steps

If you DO decide you want to confront, do so in a gentle, calm, sweet, but firm tone of voice & then watch the response; it will tell you ALOT.

A healthy man will:

• Apologize & take full responsibility for how his actions made you feel.

A narcissist will:

• Gaslight – He may say it’s all in your head, you’re imagining things, you need to relax, OR he might say it’s all your fault this is happening, you’re too much/clingy when all you’re asking is that he text or call every couple days.
• Project – He may accuse YOU of doing all the things you’re bringing to his attention. For example, he may accuse you of being a cheater when he’s actually the one cheating or he may say that you were the one not texting when it was the other way around.

I experienced both gaslighting & projecting from all 4 narcissists. If there’s ever a next time (hopefully not), I won’t give him a second chance, I’ll just walk away. Narcissists can improve, but only if they want to & are humble enough to get therapy which is not the case for 99.9% of them.

If There’s a Pattern of Narcissists in Your Life, Get Help

If there’s a pattern of narcissists in your life, don’t let yourself succumb to victim, woe-is-me mentality; get help. After a period of wallowing, one day I realized that the common denominator in all of these relationships was ME. In order to stop attracting narcissists, I have to get healthy, so I’ve been in therapy & inner healing programs off & on for a few years now. I also hired a dating coach. I’ve taken a hard, difficult look inward at what attracts these types of men and this is what I’ve realized:

1. I’ve been too open about my trauma and/or the bad guys I’ve dated – this taught them what they could get away with and/or my vulnerabilities. In the future, I will say “let’s stick to lighter things for now, we can go deeper down the line” when asked about my past (I got this tip from my dating coach, Jackie Dorman).
2. I’ve been too afraid of being alone to walk away when something feels off. In the past, my intuition would be triggered but I’d hold on for months, hoping I was wrong and/or that he would change. However, it only took 2 dates to walk away from Narcissist #4 instead of months (hurray!!!!) and as a recovering codependent, I’m so very proud of myself for having the strength to end it early this time. 🙂

They Always Try to Come Back, But Don’t Let Them

A final tip before I close: Narcissists almost always come back with some kind of weepy apology when their other options eventually dry up. They circle back around to see if you will fall for a new offer, one usually delivered on a platter of fake tears & remorse, but don’t fall for it, he just wants someone to control. Narcissist #2 tried to come back so many times under the guise of “you’re such a good person, we should be friends” that I eventually had to tell him to stop contacting me or I’d contact the police. If you’ve seen all 10 signs or enough that make you decide to walk away, don’t give him a chance to come back, block him everywhere now.

Sure, maybe he’s changed (as he’ll surely tell you in his “remorseful” apology), but let someone else be the Experiment Girl. YOU are a priceless jewel who deserves REAL love & there are still good men out there willing to give it.

Stay safe out there friends!! <3

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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

• Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Counselor – Angie Atkinson (I’ve never hired her, but like her YouTube videos)
• Dating Coach w/an Inner Healing Program – Jackie Dorman (Jackie’s program helped me do a lot of the inner healing that made me a less codependent person).